


All our good memories are drowned in bitterness

by bloody_kira



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru Friendship, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, M/M, Oneshot, Sad Ending, alternativ good ending, angst with a sad end, bad memories, failure - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloody_kira/pseuds/bloody_kira
Summary: I don’t want to anymore Hajime.”Iwaizumis lips were slightly parted just like in this very special night were the brunette finally realized what the raven haired had always meant to him - but it was too late.If they had a little bit more time then they maybe could have fixed it, maybe could have made it, but not like this.,,I love you - but all our good memories are drowned in my bitterness and I know this is not fair-“His voice got loud again, grief spilling out of every letter - uncontrollable.OrThe day they encounter that they always had each other but that they will never have each other again.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Sad ending

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to post the Iwaoi angst I recently wrote as my first work here cause I really liked it.  
> As the tags say the original end does not have a good ending, but I wrote one for my friend. So I made a second chapter.  
> There are spoilers for the end of the second season.
> 
> My girlfriend also told me to delete the last sentence cause it hurt her but it’s part of the ending so just skip it if you want some hope left I guess.
> 
> I would appreciate feedback but no pressure!
> 
> English is not my first language so I apologize for every grammar and spelling mistakes.  
> Lots of fun while reading ^^

,,You’re trying to make fun of me” The brunette should know his childhood friend better than that, but his senses for what was true were blinded, nearly numb, by the stinging pain that creeped trough his whole body, possessing every place in his mind, in his chest, in his heart, that could have probably been filled with love, if it were not for his overtaking fear.

Green eyes stared back into his own, full of confusion - but there was also something else, something that made his body tremble in pure despair, knowing that he was not able to keep his head up, knowing that he was not able to pretend that the pride and the confidence were real after he lost again any longer. He found pity in those eyes.  
A pity he did not want to see, a pity he had never seen before in such kind of way and for him it just proved his point, letting the rage boil up again in his chest, letting it take over his head that was already clouded with uncontrollable fear.  
His hands grabbed the collar of the other ones pullover, shaking him in rage - no thoughts just this self destructive voices that seemed like they were not his own, filling his minds with all the doubts he had tried to get rid off.  
,,Stop it! Stop making fun of me!” His voice that had just been a venomous hush when he spoke before was nothing to how the brunette usually spoke and nothing compared to his voice now, that changed in an instant. Loud, full of anger, venom spilling out of his mouth with every word and deep down beneath it, grief.  
The hands that seemed to were controlled by someone else kept shaking his opposite, kept holding onto the pullover in tight fists, letting out everything that the words had caused in his body. 

Something inside of him hoped that the raven haired boy would stop him, that he would hold onto his wrists and keep them from shaking, keep them from shaking everything they had, every memory they had made together and every feeling that had bloomed in the years of each others company, but nothing happened.  
The raven haired just stood there letting everything rush over him, the shouts, the way his best friend held onto his pullover like he was going to punch him in the next second and the way how his own heard crumbled at the sight of his friend, full of hate.  
He could feel how the strong grip on his shirt slightly loosened, the strength leaving the brunettes hands, not able to hold onto it anymore, not able to hold onto anything at all anymore.

,,Wont you say something?” The uncontrollable anger had left for a bitterness - it was not the same type of bitterness that spitted from his lips after a lost game, it was different, not as bitter sweet as usual.  
In this bitterness something else made its way trough the words - grief. A grief that came from deeper than just the other ones words, a grief that seemed to had slumbered in his bodies for years now.  
How long had it really been in there? What was the cause? The raven haired boy couldn’t know, could just try to remember what things had happened to him, what could have possibly hurt his friend in such a way. The lost game? But the game was already some time ago- Or how he never felt like he was good enough even though he was already the best he could be? Or how he always treated his friend in a rather rough kind of way - he was not serious after all and was also sure that the brunette knew that.

Finally he could bring himself to let a sentence slip from his lips, calm, serious, without a hint of actual emotion.  
,,I’m not making fun of you - you should know that”  
He knew it, the setter knew that his friend would never use something like this as a joke, something that was so important for the both of them, but his brain would not let him comprehend, what that actually meant. And even if it did, would it not make everything worse?  
Another sentence -  
,,I like you Tōru”  
The words that should have meant the most to him made his head hurt, gave him this stinging pain rushing over him in waves of various emotions.  
This was everything he had wanted to hear since he realized the ace was more than just a teammate or his best friend to him, since the day both of them had slept at his place after an exhausting match and he could eye how his friend slowly fell asleep, lips slightly parted, face so relaxed and soft, it made him realize his longly suppressed feelings.  
And still - those words, that Iwaizumi had spoken so softly, in an unusual kind of way, made Oikawa hurt more than anything he ever experienced. His best friend was a kind person, someone that believed in Oikawa, someone that was proud of him, but those words were still softer than everything he had ever heard from him, causing more pain.  
More than every lost match, more than knowing that their was this boy that would always be better than him, no matter how much effort he put into it, no matter how many times he would hurt himself by overly exhausting because of training, and maybe even more than the constant humiliation by his rival, destroying him on the court every time and telling him that he had the chance to win, if he had not chosen Seijoh.  
All of these things hurt, all of them infiltrated, poisoned his mind with every second the memories lasted.  
Oikawas mouth felt dry, not able to say anything, trying to answer but only getting a little sob out of his throat. A sob that was soon followed by more, breaking into an uncontrollable mess, trying to hold himself together but failing miserably.  
Green eyes watched how tears spilled out of the warm hazelnut brown, that he had always loved to see when it was filled with happiness, but right now it just hurt. Slowly he approached the boy next to him, laying his arms around the still trembling body of his teammate, pressing him closer to his own, trying to drown the sobs in his comforting mumble of words.  
This was not the Iwaizumi that you could observe after a match, comforting Oikawa with a nudge on the back and silence, needing comfort himself, most of the time from his team captain - right now the boy just stood there, still in silence but actually giving the brunette all the comfort he could think of, holding him as if his life depended on it.  
At first he tried to get out of the hug, tried to not give up his rage and his anger, but for what? The shorter boy knew already everything about him, already knew that the cocky and confident attitude was drowned in doubts sometimes. Was drowned in knowing that he wasn‘t good enough to succeed.  
Slowly the trembling died down, the breathing of the taller boy got calm again, realizing that the raven haired boy probably had seen every breakdown he ever had. The way his body quickly got filled with rage, only to break down seconds later, crying like everything he had ever loved crashed down, like a little part of his own self was dying. And maybe that was really what was happening, slowly dying down, his dreams, his hopes, and his love.  
Not daring to look into the other ones eyes he build himself up again, still staying close to his friend, not wanting to let go of the warmth that was hurting him so much.  
,,Tōru-“ He wasn’t used to the other one saying his first name - not so carefully, so soft, like the brunette would break with the slightest change in tone- and maybe he would.  
A lump in his throat, forcing him to stay quiet for a second, but soon dissolving when Oikawa figured that there was not any way around it, that there was only one way - straight forward, filling his mind with even more despair.  
,,I like you too-“ He breathed in and out, not knowing how to start, but before he could say something the raven haired boy interrupted his thoughts.

,,Then... why are you crying?” Confusion had filled the forest green eyes again, not understanding what was going on in the mind of his opposite. It was weird, he understood him, he always did, but not today. Had he mistaken every hint that Oikawa had gave him over the years? Was the overly flirty attitude towards him just another act? Where the soft moments between them not more than just affection between two close friends? Maybe he misunderstood - but the setter had just told him that he liked him too, so what was it? What was wrong? The brunettes voice ringed out again, quietly, full of pain, sounding like it could never be fixed again.  
,,Because I can’t do this anymore.” It got quiet again, just for a few seconds, he needed this seconds to build up the last rest of self confidence he had in this situation, otherwise not able to actually tell Iwaizumi what bothered him so much. Oikawa felt pathetic. He was always full of self confidence, but right now, where he needed it the most, it just vanished.  
,,I like you. I like you more than I ever liked someone in my life, but-“  
A heavy sob was dying in his throat, he would not let himself get all emotional again, or at least he planned so.  
,,But every time I look at you, I look at my failures. I see how the coach exchanged me for Kageyama. I see how I put effort in training everyday so much that I hurt myself and couldn’t play anymore, I see how I break down on the court, stumbling, the pressure of Ushijimas eyes on me, knowing that I failed again, I see how he humiliates me, telling me that I shouldn’t have gone to Seijoh, I see how I do my best, how I am the best and we still lose again and again and again. We lost against them, we lost against Karasuno and we lose and lose and I see how I will never be enough, even though I already did everything I could. And I don’t think I can do this anymore.  
Every good memory we ever made gets overshadowed by the reminder of my failures, that I will never succeed.“  
Silence, but only for a second.  
,,I don’t want to anymore Hajime.”  
Iwaizumis lips were slightly parted just like in this very special night were the brunette finally realized what the raven haired had always meant to him - but it was too late.  
If they had a little bit more time then they maybe could have fixed it, maybe could have made it, but not like this.  
,,I love you - but all our good memories are drowned in my bitterness and I know this is not fair-“  
His voice got loud again, grief spilling out of every letter - uncontrollable.  
,, I know that this is not your fault and I am just selfish, but I hate everything that you represent in my life and I don’t want to do this to you - you deserve love and not this bitter kind that I could give you.”  
He still wasn’t looking at him until rough fingertips touched his chin and slowly turned Oikawas face towards his own.  
,,Tōru, we can fix that- we can make new memories. Good ones- We can make up for all the bad memories. You are not just your failures Tōru and neither am I. Just look at me, really look at me. I‘m your best friend, do you remember? We watched stupid movies together as kids and went outside to the park to play and catch bugs. We went together to middle school, it was funny how you got all popular when we got older. We are a team- we always were. We can do this together“  
Hazel brown eyes focused on the forest green. He could see the hope that is child hood friend had in his eyes, could see how he hoped that the boy would say yes, that he would agree, that they could fix that - but that was not the case. It broke his heart a little more, he wanted to say yes so badly, but he knew that this was better than drowning in self pity every time he saw this beautiful green.  
,,Thank you Hajime - I love you-“  
The green eyes lightened up, more hope, even happiness, relieved that he was not going to lose the boy that meant so much to him.  
,,I love you t-“ He was not even able to finish his sentence, Oikawa interrupted him, he knew it would hurt him too much.  
,,But it’s too late” he just continued his started sentence.  
,,This is a farewell. Thank you for being my friend for all this time.  
Goodbye Iwa-chan”  
Forced confidence and happiness, not actually covering the sadness in his voice, a last wink and he turned around, walking away. The goodbye was rushed but that is how you should do it, right? Quick and painless.  
,,Oikawa!” A shout  
Don’t look back, walk faster.  
,,Tōru!” Another one.  
You are not allowed to look back. ,,Don’t be a selfish asshole, just this one time!” Don’t turn around - another step and he was around the corner, relief filled his body. Maybe they could fix this after a little time had passed, when the grief, the sadness, the anger, had sunken in and the brunette and raven haired boy met each other again - a coincidence of course. Maybe they were ready to start again. And with these thoughts he continued walking, not looking back.

This was the last time they saw each other.


	2. Good ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the alternative good ending - it feels kinda rushed but I’ll maybe edit it so it seems less rushed.

,,You’re trying to make fun of me” The brunette should know his childhood friend better than that, but his senses for what was true were blinded, nearly numb, by the stinging pain that creeped trough his whole  
body, possessing every place in his mind, in his chest, in his heart, that could’ve probably been filled with love, if it weren’t for his overtaking fear.

Green eyes stared back into his own, full of confusion - he also saw something else, something that made his body tremble in pure despair, knowing that he wasn’t able to keep his head up, knowing that he wasn’t able to pretend that the pride and the confidence were real any longer. He found pity in those eyes.  
A pity he didn’t want to see, a pity he had never seen before in such kind of way and for him it just proved his point, letting the rage boil up again in his chest, letting it take over his head that was already clouded with uncontrollable fear.  
His hands grabbed the collar of the other ones shirt, shaking him in rage - no thoughts just this self destructive voices that seemed like they weren’t his own, filling his minds with all the doubts he had tried to get rid off.  
,,Stop it! Stop making fun of me!” His voice that had just been a venomous hush when he spoke before was nothing to how the brunette usually spoke. Loud, full of anger, venom spilling out of his mouth with every word and deep down beneath it, grief.  
The hands that seemed to were controlled by someone else kept shaking his opposite, kept holding onto the shirt in tight fists, letting out everything that the words had caused in his body. 

Something inside of him hoped that the raven haired boy would stop him, the he would hold onto his wrists and keep them from shaking, keep them from shaking everything they had, every memory they had made together and every feeling that ad bloomed in the years of their company, but nothing happened.  
The raven haired just stood there letting everything rush over him, the shouts, the way his best friend held onto his shirt like he was going to punch him in the next second and the way how his own heard crumbled at the sight of his friend, full of hate.  
He could feel how the string grip on his shirt slightly loosed, the strength leaving the brunettes hands, nit able to hold onto it anymore, not able to hold onto anything at all anymore.

,,Wont you say something?” The uncontrollable anger had left for a bitterness - it wasn’t the same type of bitterness that spitted on his lips after a lost game, it was different, not as bitter sweet as usual.  
In this bitterness something else made its was trough the words - grief. A grief that came from deeper than just the other ones words, a grief that seemed to had slumbered in his bodies for years now.  
How long had it really been in there? What was the cause? The raven haired boy couldn’t know, could just try to remember what things had happened to him, what could have possibly hurt his friend in such a way. The lost game? Or how he never felt like he was good enough? Or how he always treated his friend in a rather rough kind of way - he wasn’t serious after all. 

Finally he could bring himself to let a sentence slip from his lips, calm, serious, without a hint of actual emotion.  
,,I’m not making fun of you - you should know that”  
He knew it, the setter knew that his friend would never use something like this as a joke, something that was so important for the both of them, but his brain wouldn’t let him comprehend, what that actually meant. And even if it did, wouldn’t it make everything worse?  
Another sentence -  
,,I like you Tōru”  
The words that should have meant the most to him made his head hurt, gave him this stinging pain rushing over him in waves of various emotions.  
This was everything he had wanted to hear since he realized the ace was more than just a teammate or his best friend to him, since the day both of them had slept at his place after an exhausting match and he could eye how his friend slowly fell asleep, lips slightly parted, face so relaxed and soft, it made him realize that the other boy was more than just his friend for him.  
And still - those words, that Iwaizumi had spoken so softly in an unusual kind of way - made Oikawa hurt more than anything he ever experienced.  
More than every lost match, more than knowing that their was this boy that would always be better than him, no matter how much effort he put into it, no matter how many times he would hurt himself by overly exhausting himself because of training, and maybe even more than the constant humiliation by his rival, destroying him on the court every time and telling him that he had the chance to win, if he hadn’t chosen Seijoh.  
All of these things hurt, all of them infiltrated, poisoned his mind with every second the memories lasted.  
Oikawas mouth felt dry, not able to say anything, trying to answer but only getting a little sob out of his throat. A sob that was soon followed by more, breaking into an uncontrollable mess, trying to hold himself together but failing miserably.  
Green eyes watched how tears spilled out of the warm hazelnut brown, that he had always loved to see when it was filled with happiness, but right now it just hurt. Slowly he approached to boy next to him, laying his arms around the still trembling body of his teammate, pressing him closer to his own, trying to drown the sobs in his comforting words.  
This wasn’t the Iwaizumi that you could observe after a match, comforting Oikawa with a nudge and silence, needing comfort himself - right now the boy just stood here, still in silence but actually giving the brunette all the comfort he could think of, holding him as if his life depended on it.  
At first he tried to get out of the hug, tried to not give up his carefully build  
mask, but for what? The shorter boy knew already everything about him, already knew that the cocky and confident attitude wasn’t his all time state, even though he loved to pretend it was.  
Slowly the trembling died down, the breathing of the taller boy got calm again, realizing that the raven haired boy probably had seen every breakdown he ever had. The way his body quickly got filled with rage, only to break down seconds later, crying like everything he had ever loved crashed down, like a little part of his own self was dying. And maybe that was really what was happening, slowly dying down, his dreams, his hopes, his confidence, his love.  
Not daring to look into the other ones eyes he build himself up again, still staying close to his friend, not wanting to let go of the warmth that was hurting him so much.  
,,Tōru-“ He wasn’t used to the other one saying his first name - not so carefully, so soft, like the brunette would break with the slightest change in tone- and maybe he would.  
A lump in his throat, forcing him to stay quiet for a second, but soon dissolving when Oikawa figured that there wasn’t any way around it, that there was only  
one way - straight forward, filming his mind with even more despair.  
,,I like you too-“ He breathed in and out, not knowing how to start.  
But before he could say something the raven haired boy interrupted his thoughts.  
,,Then... why are you crying?” Confusion had filled the green eyes again, not understanding what was going on in the mind of his opposite. It was weird, he understood him, he always did, but not today. Had he mistaken every hint that Oikawa had gave him over the years? Was the overly flirty attitude towards him just another act? Where the soft moments between them not more than just affection between two close friends? Maybe he misunderstood - but the setter had just told him that he liked him too, so what was it? What was wrong? The brunettes voice ringed out again, quietly, full of pain, sounding like it could never be fixed again.  
,,Because I can’t do this anymore.” It got quiet again, just for a few seconds, he needed this seconds to build up the last rest of self confidence he had, otherwise not able to actually tell Iwaizumi what bothered him  
so much.  
,,I like you. I like you more than I ever liked someone, but-“  
A heavy sob was dying in his throat, he wouldn’t let himself get all emotional again.  
,,But every time I look at you, I look at my failures. I see how the coach exchanged me for Kageyama. I see how I put effort in training everyday so much that I hurt myself and couldn’t play anymore, I see how I break down on the court, stumbling, the pressure of Ushijimas eyes on me, knowing that I failed again, I see how he humiliates me, telling me that I shouldn’t have gone to Seijoh, I see how we lose again and again and again. We lost against them, we lost against Karasuno and we lose and lose and I see how I will never be enough. And I don’t think I can do this anymore.  
Every good memory we ever made gets overshadowed by the reminder of my failures, that I will never succeed. I don’t want to anymore Hajime.”  
Iwaizumis lips were slightly parted just like in this very special  
night were the brunette finally realized what the raven haired had always meant to him.  
,,I love you - but all our good memories are drowned in my bitterness and I know this is not fair-“  
His voice got loud again, grief spilling out if every letter - uncontrollable.  
,, I know that this is not your fault and I am just selfish, but I hate everything that you represent in my life and I don’t want to do this to you - you deserve love and not this bitter sweet kind that I could give you.”  
He still wasn’t looking at him until rough fingertips touched his chin and slowly turned Oikawas face towards his own.  
,,Tōru, we can fix that- we can make new memories. Good ones- We can make up for all the bad memories’’  
Hazel brown eyes focused on the forest green. He could see the hope that is child hood friends had in his eyes, could see how he hoped that the boy would say yes, that he would agree, that they could fix that -  
,,Thank you Hajime - I love you-“  
The green eyes lightened up, more hope, even happiness  
,,I love you t-“ He couldn’t even finish his sentences, Oikawa interrupted him, scared that it would fade as an illusion, a bare dream.  
,,Please stay with me” A hand hold tight onto Iwaizumis, letting all the trembling fear feel trough their touch.  
It seemed that the raven haired boy in front of him were real, that the words that were going to come out of his mouth were real, at least his senses told him that.  
,,Of course I will.” A slight smile formed around the shorter ones lips.  
,,You idiot interrupted me” The insult didn’t matter, his voice was soft and betted the limp feeling boy in a soft cloud. This soft cloud was worth all the grief, all the angst and rage that the brunette went trough in the past minutes.  
,,I love you too”


End file.
